You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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