You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
