I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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