Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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