Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
