Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
