Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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