if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
