You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
