man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
