I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
