Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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