I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
