Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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