Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
