Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
