I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
