Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
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I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
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Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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