I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
