All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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