i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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