Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
