My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
