I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
