i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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