11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
