i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
