We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
