I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He? As in you personified your dick?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
