Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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