Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
