you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
