FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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