I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
