The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
