if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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