I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
