hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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