I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
