Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
