Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
