and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
