if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
