I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
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Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
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I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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