how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
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Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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