drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
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I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
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I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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