You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
