I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
