just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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