In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE