we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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