I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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