I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
